Dario Argento's Dracula Leaked Trailer

Just thought I would share this with you all. Granted, this leaked trailer has unfinished visual effects and a temporary music score, but I am getting a serious whiff of gouda lightly garnished with shit.

When Argento Met Stendhal...

ATTENTION: THE COVER ABOVE IS PERHAPS THE MOST ONLY PLEASANT THING TO DO WITH THIS MOVIE!

Although Dario Argento's recent work has not been up to scratch, however offensively entertaining 'Mother of Tears' was, the man was in his absolute prime during the 70's and 80's with films such as 'Opera', 'Suspiria', 'Tenebre'  and 'Profondo Rosso' but to name a few. As time went on, his style has become fraught with commercialism and relies primarily on shock value to grab an audience's attention. However, as with every other novelty, once the effect has worn off, we shake our heads and go on our merry way. However, during the 90's, amongst this steady decline, Argento managed to make a little-seen gem of a film that could have almost been his comeback- 'The Stendhal Syndrome'.

Detective Anna Manni (Asia Argento) works for the anti-rape squad of the Roman police. She is one of their best officers and she has been tracking down a serial killer/rapist, a search which has led her to Florence. While checking out the Uffizi Gallery, Anna is overwhelmed by the numerous works of art and she passes out. Turns out Detective Manni is afflicted with a case of the obscure Stendhal Syndrome- a strange affliction that makes the victim suffer a seizure by absorbing artwork, in Anna's case, she enters a painting and experiences the sensations the picture gives. Unfortunately, when she suffers one of these fits while in the gallery, the rapist himself, Alfredo Grossi (Thomas Kretschmann) is watching and he falls in love... you know what that means.

                                  

                                                                   It only gets worse...

Off the bat, this movie is SICK, and I mean that with nothing but love. For the first hour of the movie, Argento puts all of his talent to the fore- a compelling story, demented killers, determined victims of circumstance, gorgeous imagery and gore, marvellous, guilt-free glorious gore. Although she would later do the torrid 'The Phantom of the Opera' and the fun but ultimately stupid 'XxX' Asia Argento's work in this movie is solid and true. You are there with her every step of the way from beginning to end- you care for her and it hurts when she is subjected to Grossi's treatment. She reminds one of a stronger Hitchcockian female- vulnerable but at the same time exuding a strength that when tested can be formidable. Simultaneously, this film introduced me to German actor Thomas Kretschmann who plays Anna's foil to a T. The way he starts to gets Anna's skin even when he isn't there, how wretched he is when he plays his games with her. Kretschmann isn't a prominent actor by any means, but when he shows up in films, it's always a pleasure, even when he's playing a revolting fucker such as Alfredo. Dare I say it, Alfredo Grossi is one of my favourite villains in cinema ever, not only is he reprehensible in his actions, he's also clever, charming and attractive. Grossi is not some run off the mill killer- he is a career family man to boot. Who would believe a fine, upstanding member of society could possibly be a derranged serial killer? Another unique element that adds to the impact of the film is that, like 'Opera' it takes something distinctly highbrow (in this case, fine art) and makes it the catalyst for something quite sinister. Another matter this film deals with is sexual identity- despite Anna being a rational policewoman, she succumbs to a deeper level of psycholgical torment that makes her change not just physically, but mentally as well. She becomes as obsessed with Alfredo that he is with her, at times, it's as if he is by her side even when he is not and her attitiude begins to manifest into a different beast completely which eerily mirrors Alfredo's own. One of the many physical manifestations she takes is cutting her hair short, bulking up at the boxing ring and wearing decidedly masculine clothing.

                                         

                                                         What has happened cannot be undone

 So, that being said, remember when I said this movie was brilliant for the first hour? Well, the second hour is not so much. You see, despite his attempts at being daring and original by introducing a new major development, he simultaneously dropped his load way too soon. To be vague, Alfredo becomes more of a secondary character whilst Anna fully takes the regins, I feel this is where the film fell on it's face. If the second half had been a seperate film, it perhaps would have felt more natural, but the way Argento does it, it's as if he realized that he has let go one of the most precious commodities in his movie and has to spend the remaining 60 minutes filling it up with line after line of intrigue. It's not until the end that the movie finally re-establishes itself, but even the most attentive audience members would struggle to maintain the amount of interest required. I really wish Argento had either re-considered the new direction the movie would take, or had focused the same amount of energy he had in the first half of the movie.

To a lesser note, that I feel still needs to be said, that outside of Argento and Kretschmann's characters, all of the supporting players were quite expendable. The only other character I had vested interest in was Manni's psychologist- he managed to take a third fiddle character and made him an enigmatic yet fascinating figure in Anna's life that she turned to when she needed guidance. One character I absolutely couldn't FUCKING STAND was Anna's douchebag boyfriend. The first thing he does to Anna when she gets off the train after her doomed trip to Florence is fucking proposition her- FUCKNUT- YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS ASSAULTED BY A RAPIST, DO YOU THINK SHE WILL BE IN THE MOOD FOR ANY INTIMATE CONTACT OF THAT NATURE?! THINK, SHITHEAD, THINK! I know I am not alone in thinking this, and finally, when Anna has enough of his selfish ways, she make him pay for it most satisfyingly that it will no doubt make you laugh if not shock you first. Can you say "PWNED"?. >:-D

I would also like to bring up the violence in this movie- despite some pretty out there moments, this movie doesn't use bloodshed as liberally as Argento's other films and despite it being a film about rape, there is no nudity (that I saw...) and thank Mephisto for that. Argento knows he is dealing with something quite heavy, and although it may seem very odd that he is showing his own daughter being subjected to such humiliation, he still treats the issue with sensitivity and he does not glamourize it. In an essense, this is perhaps Argento's most realistic film, and despite the dated visual effects (such as pills going down an oesophagus), the story is backed by many stunning moments, such as below...

                               

                                                            Merry Christmas! :-D

Overall, this movie was as solid as they come, despite it's serious misstep, and it showcases what Argento could be if he stopped making films laden with gore and little else. If he could some day make another film with a heady mix of thrills and story credibility, he could reclaim the ground his has lost in recent years and thus reclaim his old audience and claim a new one.

THE PHAAAAAAANNNNTOM OF THE OPERA IS HEEEEEEEEEEERE!... Or not.

                                     

Despite my wretched heart, I am a romantic. Nothing stirs me more than a touching love story, and not just the sort that happens in tragedy but also happiness, serendipity and chance. I also love my period films, you know the ones with elaborate costumes, sweeping dialogue and relationships between men and women. On the other side of the coin, I love my horror. I love any horror, not just one breed. One of the figures who I admire when it comes to horror is Dario Argento. The man is known for having a true eye for not just violence but also beauty, one of the key points being his masterpiece Suspiria. In my opinion it has never been topped by any of his later efforts, though between you, me and everybody we know, I have a huge appreciation for his over-looked yet flawed thriller The Stendhal Syndrome (also starring Asia).
If you combine romance, period and horror together with Argento's name attached to it directly, chances are you wouldn't need to sell me any further.
WRONG.

While I know and I do somewhat admire Argento for trying something different compared to his past efforts, it is pretty darn appalling. It's not because of the transgressive content (though honestly, what was Dario thinking when he cast his daughter Asia to be lovingly corn-holed by the Warlock himself, Julian Sands), or any of the gore for that matter, but it's just flat out BAD.
I am one of those people who loves Gaston Leroux's original tale, not to mention the prominent musical that have been inspired by the said work, but that doesn't mean I don't like the story being shaken up and turned on it's head, but... DAMN IT DARIO.

"WHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?"
There are so many things wrong with this version that it's difficult to list them concisely. It's like Dario picked one massive pimple and the pus sprayed all over the face (sorry if you are eating as you read this). I have nothing against either of the Argentos (Asia is a girl crush of mine) and there's nothing horrid about Sands, but the female Argento and Sands just don't generate the appropriate if any chemistry between the Phantom and Christine. Okay, I can accept the notion that the Phantom represents Christine's dark side and that's what seems to get her off, but there was no build up. The Phantom simply goes up to Christine, says ''Sup?' and she falls into his arms.

What does this say about our heroine? Opera divas are easy.


DARIOOOOOOO! IT'S YOURRRRRR DAUGHTEEEEEEEEER!!!!!

And was that Prince-look-a-like opium addict really Raoul? The guy was fascinating as a damp towel and as useless as tits on a bull, not to mention rather... girly.


Separated at birth??

Another truly silly point is that it's difficult to feel sorry for the Phantom because he is not disfigured (though his clothes and hair are in urgent need of a Queer Eye make over). On top of that I was heavily reminded of The Penguin's whacky origin story in Batman Returns, but instead of being raised by penguins, some kindly rats raise him as their own and he identifies himself as one of them. Heck, he even lets the furry little buggers help him his man-jollies. HOT.


Gimme some cheese, baby.
Oh, oh, but that's not even the TIP of the iceberg, folks! We also have the following:
- A more than little unhinged rat catcher with his man bitch dwarf in a funny looking rat-catching contraption (not popular with the Phantom, of course)
- A dickhead stagehand with a stooopid big-racked whore girlfriend who decide it would be a great idea to venture into the Phantom's lair to find 'treasure'.
- I firmly believe no man or woman should not be ashamed of their naked anatomy, BUT, there is a time and a place for it. In the case of the decadent opium den sequence, old man wang and big ol' jelly rolls makes Da Boomkat sad in pants. :-(
- The Phantom's lines. "Your female smell".,"Your voice... fills me... with divine light!"... you're gonna have to try harder to get into MY panties, Phantie.
- Lack of eroticism. Yes, Phantom and Christine beast like there's no tomorrow, but there is no inherent sexiness in any of their love scenes, not even Asia or Julian's butts can save them.
- Ordinarily, I don't have an issue with a broad array of acting styles, but Asia seemed to have three emotions- confused, slutty and hysterical. I don't like seeing my girl that way all the time. With Julian Sands, well, he just isn't content to nibble on the scenery, but take enormous chunks out of it. In between that, the rest of the cast think they are in a circus, only they are not skilled artistes, but clowns. In the worst possible way. The only character I enjoyed was Christine's bad ass maid. MAN she was wonderfully snarky and vicious! The Phantom should have gone after her, screw the age difference.
- Epically bad lip-syncing. The art of lip-syncing of a complicated one. It takes many years to pull off properly not to mention commitment and enthusiasm. Unfortunately, Asia did not get any of this memo and just juts her chest up and down, looking like she is having an epileptic orgasm this side of Showgirls. Is there a doctor in the opera house?! She looks she's about to collapse!

Is there anything POSITIVE I can say about this movie without wincing?
Well, the movie, like many of Argento's previous films certainly looks gorgeous with lush lighting schemes, not to mention some rather impressive sets such as the interior of the opera house and the Phantom's cave. Additionally, there are some wonderfully gory moments involving death by stalagmites, some messy Phantom-inflicted bites and some other surprising demises that I will not spoil for you should you decide to watch this movie even after this review. Male readers may also be delighted to know that many of Asia's outfits leave little to the imagination, and that's when she's not being ravished by her disturbed lover.

When you look back at Dario's career, you will wonder 'how the heck he went from that glorious prime to this tripe?'. Yes, once again, he is trying something new and normally I would encourage that, but in this case, it was like a train wreak- it's horrid, it's absurd and there are better things to look at and enjoy... but for some reason you keep watching... then you feel dirty after it's finished.