Despite my wretched heart, I am a romantic. Nothing stirs me more than a touching love story, and not just the sort that happens in tragedy but also happiness, serendipity and chance. I also love my period films, you know the ones with elaborate costumes, sweeping dialogue and relationships between men and women. On the other side of the coin, I love my horror. I love any horror, not just one breed. One of the figures who I admire when it comes to horror is Dario Argento. The man is known for having a true eye for not just violence but also beauty, one of the key points being his masterpiece Suspiria. In my opinion it has never been topped by any of his later efforts, though between you, me and everybody we know, I have a huge appreciation for his over-looked yet flawed thriller The Stendhal Syndrome (also starring Asia).
If you combine romance, period and horror together with Argento's name attached to it directly, chances are you wouldn't need to sell me any further.
WRONG.
While I know and I do somewhat admire Argento for trying something different compared to his past efforts, it is pretty darn appalling. It's not because of the transgressive content (though honestly, what was Dario thinking when he cast his daughter Asia to be lovingly corn-holed by the Warlock himself, Julian Sands), or any of the gore for that matter, but it's just flat out BAD.
I am one of those people who loves Gaston Leroux's original tale, not to mention the prominent musical that have been inspired by the said work, but that doesn't mean I don't like the story being shaken up and turned on it's head, but... DAMN IT DARIO.
"WHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?"
There are so many things wrong with this version that it's difficult to list them concisely. It's like Dario picked one massive pimple and the pus sprayed all over the face (sorry if you are eating as you read this). I have nothing against either of the Argentos (Asia is a girl crush of mine) and there's nothing horrid about Sands, but the female Argento and Sands just don't generate the appropriate if any chemistry between the Phantom and Christine. Okay, I can accept the notion that the Phantom represents Christine's dark side and that's what seems to get her off, but there was no build up. The Phantom simply goes up to Christine, says ''Sup?' and she falls into his arms.
What does this say about our heroine? Opera divas are easy.
DARIOOOOOOO! IT'S YOURRRRRR DAUGHTEEEEEEEEER!!!!!
And was that Prince-look-a-like opium addict really Raoul? The guy was fascinating as a damp towel and as useless as tits on a bull, not to mention rather... girly.
Separated at birth??
Another truly silly point is that it's difficult to feel sorry for the Phantom because he is not disfigured (though his clothes and hair are in urgent need of a Queer Eye make over). On top of that I was heavily reminded of The Penguin's whacky origin story in Batman Returns, but instead of being raised by penguins, some kindly rats raise him as their own and he identifies himself as one of them. Heck, he even lets the furry little buggers help him his man-jollies. HOT.
Gimme some cheese, baby.
Oh, oh, but that's not even the TIP of the iceberg, folks! We also have the following:
- A more than little unhinged rat catcher with his man bitch dwarf in a funny looking rat-catching contraption (not popular with the Phantom, of course)
- A dickhead stagehand with a stooopid big-racked
- I firmly believe no man or woman should not be ashamed of their naked anatomy, BUT, there is a time and a place for it. In the case of the decadent opium den sequence, old man wang and big ol' jelly rolls makes Da Boomkat sad in pants. :-(
- The Phantom's lines. "Your female smell".,"Your voice... fills me... with divine light!"... you're gonna have to try harder to get into MY panties, Phantie.
- Lack of eroticism. Yes, Phantom and Christine beast like there's no tomorrow, but there is no inherent sexiness in any of their love scenes, not even Asia or Julian's butts can save them.
- Ordinarily, I don't have an issue with a broad array of acting styles, but Asia seemed to have three emotions- confused, slutty and hysterical. I don't like seeing my girl that way all the time. With Julian Sands, well, he just isn't content to nibble on the scenery, but take enormous chunks out of it. In between that, the rest of the cast think they are in a circus, only they are not skilled artistes, but clowns. In the worst possible way. The only character I enjoyed was Christine's bad ass maid. MAN she was wonderfully snarky and vicious! The Phantom should have gone after her, screw the age difference.
- Epically bad lip-syncing. The art of lip-syncing of a complicated one. It takes many years to pull off properly not to mention commitment and enthusiasm. Unfortunately, Asia did not get any of this memo and just juts her chest up and down, looking like she is having an epileptic orgasm this side of Showgirls. Is there a doctor in the opera house?! She looks she's about to collapse!
Is there anything POSITIVE I can say about this movie without wincing?
Well, the movie, like many of Argento's previous films certainly looks gorgeous with lush lighting schemes, not to mention some rather impressive sets such as the interior of the opera house and the Phantom's cave. Additionally, there are some wonderfully gory moments involving death by stalagmites, some messy Phantom-inflicted bites and some other surprising demises that I will not spoil for you should you decide to watch this movie even after this review. Male readers may also be delighted to know that many of Asia's outfits leave little to the imagination, and that's when she's not being ravished by her disturbed lover.
When you look back at Dario's career, you will wonder 'how the heck he went from that glorious prime to this tripe?'. Yes, once again, he is trying something new and normally I would encourage that, but in this case, it was like a train wreak- it's horrid, it's absurd and there are better things to look at and enjoy... but for some reason you keep watching... then you feel dirty after it's finished.
